Nothing worked. I went to doctors and was scolding and threatened and shamed. You just need to try harder. Use your self control! Just stop eating. Oh how i wanted to! How I wanted to break free and not be a slave to this addiction that was killing me. High blood pressure. Breathing difficulties. Incontinence. . Leg swelling.. Imagine all that money that was spent in medications to keep me alive. If you think that surgery is expensive, try a life time with chronic disease . It was then that I decided to seek counseling, not for depression, but for the real issue that was killing me. My inability to deal effectively with my feelings. I had to learn coping skills and ways other than eating to cope. I worked on that for almost 3 years before I even hoped to have surgery. I came to understand the nature of my eating disorder and WHY I felt I couldn't stop when my heart desperately cried out for me too. It wasn't a lack of will power. I wasn't bad or lazy. I wasn't stupid and weak willed. I DID care about my body and my health. And now I had the knowledge TO care for them! Armed with this, I Somewhere in my mind I knew there was an answer and it called Bar iatric Surgery. Bar iatric surgery has been on my wish list for the past ten years. It's the only hope I have of being thin and staying thin for the rest of my life. But my dream where stealing away from me by my employer, The day I found out that my insurance company, Planned Administrators, has EXCLUDED WLS in their coverage. PLEASE HELP ME SAVE MY LIFE, please give me a never birthday ,I JUST WANT TO LIFE
The worse thing about being overweight was being unhealthy. Having diabetes. Not being able to keep up with my children. I wanted so bad to exercise ... to play with my grandchildren one day. When I was younger, the worse thing about being overweight was being a disappointment to my father. He would say, but you have such a pretty face. The last words I remember him saying to me 2 days before he died was , I love you but dang your fat.. so I lived with that after his death and it hit me like a ton of bricks.. did he love me ? Or was I just a big fat embarrassment ? Embarrassment.. now what could be worse than that ? Disappointing your father , mother , children, co-workers , friends? Did my weight really make a difference in our relationships.. you bet it did .. Ever played that game where you pick someone for a game , then the next person and somehow you end up standing there alone because no one wanted you. Why ? because you where fat.. who wants a fat girl on their team ? My brothers where so embarrassed by me they never told anyone I existed.. it was not until I had surgery did they introduce me .. how lame is that .. There are so many things that are bad about being overweight... but it would take me a thousand pages to explain. But all in all just the word OVERWEIGHT is bad enough.
I spent many nights crying and begging for the ultimate cure all. I tried all diets. The Duke diet, Jenny Craig.... you name it I tried it. I thought I was all alone in my struggle. Coming down with high blood I felt my life was over. I had for years watched my weight grow and grow. I kept telling myself .. one day I will do it , One day .. all the while driving to the closest Burger King to soothe my ever longing need to feel comfort. I came to a point where I thought purging would do it .. or laxatives.. all the while loosing weight only to regain double what I had lost. I was on a downward spiral with the feeling of no way to climb out. Feeling the shame of having people watch me eat at buffets, having men let the door close in my face... all for what ... because I was Obese... Not normal ... what was normal ? Size 2 . or Size 22... ? I fought with the idea that as long as I could hide my eating , no one would know the severe battle that was raging in my soul to be thin... No one knew that I cried each night as I threw away yet another half gallon of ice cream.. No one cared .. No one seen my pain ... I hid it behind a big Moo Moo dress...They could not see me .. I was hidden ... or was I .The last straw was that on the last day of our vacation, my back was so sore that I could hardly stand or walk- I had been holding up my handicapped mom & father all week as it was - having to stop & sit because of the back pain every 5-10 minutes. By the last day- I had to rent a scooter to get around. I was disgusted with myself & vowed that when I got home, I would check into bar iatric surgery (that had been suggested by a friend who was already in the process of getting approval for gastric bypass). I was stressed from work, felt useless, hopeless, gross & ugly & hated myself.
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