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breaking the cycle of abuse drugs and molestation

Organized by: Jodi Mccutcheon

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THE STORY:

I could go on and on about why I should be nothing but a drug addicted criminal and a debt on society and a comlete mental and emotional basket case . But I have spent my entire life being a strong lone survivor and I simply can't do it anymore . I have no mom as she's an addict and my father never claimed me the day I was born so all I no of him is Gary the guy who got out of jail showed up at my door and I had to kick him out because he was drunk. Haven't seen him since. I had a sister but at 13 she ran away from the life we knew as hell and of course being young and beautiful the disgusting pimps of this world got a hold of her and priduced porn movies, images and had her on the street.....she was dead by 14 and it went unnoticed. Not even my mother could face the reality of wrongs and forced me to identify her dead body and that is the last image of my baby sister I have . What was found on her of course my addicted mother stole from me twice and pawn so now I have nothing but that image . I have been fighting to survive all my life . I have made mistakes , I have made accomplishmants but most of all I have kept my kids here safe with me not in group homes or foster homes or left them for the local junkie or dealer as i sit nodding off in the other room . I too have struggled with addiction but to a very small degree and believe there was no way it would have just by passed me concidering everyone in my family has been ravaged by it. In fact that is why I raise my niece because her mother my cousin has suffered so many rapes beetings and trauma she cannot escape the grips of the devil not even for her kin and in fact is keeping the cycle going ...I more than any thing want help for her but have begged every week and just can't seem to do it . Me just me is all 4 children have in this world and so far I feel I have given them a far superior life to my own and am so glad I've been strong enough to do so . However as I've gotten older I'm realizing theirs one person who was always put on the back burner and that was me . I to this day do nothing for me and all I can for them. I've stayed in marriage to a man who makes good money but was a DRI ker and pot smoker and cheated on me our whole relationship because I was to scared and weak to leave because of my negativity towards me and who I am . I don't want to be a failure to my kids , I want to leave them a home to live in when I pass and most of all I want these 4 kids to start a circle of life that is nothing like mine and I think I have accomplished that so for . This brings me to the weak part of me and my story . I doubt people will get it or even give me the time a day because I have been reaching out all over the place but because I am not incapable or on some type of govermant assistance I can get no help any where and I believe after 41 long and hard years I may finally be begining to break ....I need help I'm screaming it loud and proud . some one anyone give me a hand up and I will use it to ensure my self or my kids never use the system or steal or get raped because I was too high to notice. During the last five years of marriage I had begun to drink occasionalIy when i was self meducating the depression i was having because of my past. Raising 3 kids completely alone while my husband worked out of town was hard with no skills or help from anyone but i did the best i could with the tools and community support .One night a good friend of mine called me and said that yes intact your suspicion is true he is cheating on you they are at this hotel ....I left my nieghbor with my 14 year old daughter with the 2 little ones and headed on the road to catch them . As I drove by a beer store I decided to get buy 6 beers to get the courage to confront them and catch them in the act and make them hurt how me and my children had hurt for 6 months of never being able to get ahold of or see their dad. And the lieing the non stop lieing ....well that never happened. Not realizing it was Friday and the police are always out looking for speeders I infact was speeding ( LONG COUNTRY ROAD IN THE MIDDLE OF NO WHERE ) and immedietly admitting to drinking as if the two empty beer cans were not evidence of that . I explained my circumstance but that didn't matter and I have paid a high monetary , moral and absolutely been dehumanized to the fullest ....long story short the marriage continued till I nearly killed my self begging for his love and attention but with poor self esteem and always putting my kids first I lost myself and in order to get my self back I had to leave him because he is a highly functional alcoholic / addict buy don't tell him that because in his eyes I'm just week because I can't function and live as he chooses to ...so we are no longer together. And to this day I fight to keep my kids here where I know they are better off but he's willing to use my low self esteem to watch me break down in court every time and gets some sick satisfaction in doing so . He is now with a mutual friend of ours who is a pot head hard core drunk and the last person I caught him cheating with and its an embarrassment to me and my kids but we are better off . Anyway as I was so embarrassed to ask for money to pay my fines as I was a stay at home mom living in the country with a husband who didn't care if we had milk when he left or not so I have incurred fines and and now have a criminal record . I had know idea till now that I am a single mom that a criminal record can completely destroy your life , intact I just had to give up a union job I was hired for which prompted me to write this plea for help . I work but I cannot get a loan , they will give me my license back but I cannot afford all the fines , all at once and to top it all of it takes 2 years to obtain a full license. My girls are 11 and I'm starting school now that they are at the age that we can all work together to keep things going . I need to go to school to make more money for our future because I am all they have and I need to drive to get to school . I messed up that over ten years ago and I've suffered everyday for and am ashed everyday for it and I'm begging not for me but for my girls and my grandson give me back my power so that I can get my girls to their activities and take them places I never got to experience . GIve me the power to control my fait and not let those people who tortured me hold me down and make me feel like i dont desrve a hans out or a hug or human compassion at all....I just want to be able to do what every other person in this world can do and teach my kids to drive and take them to there first day at college not teach them how to steal or get high as my parents did . I don't drink I don't do the things my family taught me to do ( steal / scam) because I chose a different path and I'm all alone on it ....I don't have but 3 friends because I feel people are always out to hurt me or use me and have serious trust issues but as long as I can spend time with my kids loving them teaching them showing them things that's all I need ... I expect nothing here and I can honestly say I can know longer breath at this point but I've been so strong so emotionless for so long that I truly need a hand up . If I had a better job I could get a loan ...I can't I want to go to school to get a better job now that I have no more babies at home but I need to drive to get to school ....I beg and plead that someone is seeing that I am crying and have had a life of pure torture and hell and I cannot continue to be the rock anymore. There is not one person on this earth I could ask for help because we are 2 generations of throw away kids and I'm changing that please please help me continue my dream of raising 4 educated , non abused, kids who thanks to me have many dreams and help me to get them there ...and I will in return donate my time or help someone else in any way . This will change my life and the lives of my children and I will be forever grateful. I know this is my fault but I feel I learned my lesson ten filled and just need to feel that this life long fight I've endured won't end in me giving up and going on disability and living the loser life my mother planned for me because I just simply can take another rejection... I need this life line and if you know me I won't as for a loaf a bread I'd go with out eating so the kids could eat ...I'm so scared to end this letter invade I haven't said the rite thing .....please people please help one sad lonely girl have the freedom to secure a good life for her family . I need to have my license and that criminal record wiped away ....if I could do it on my own I would....I've never collected welfare since I left my husband and losing out on this job that would Have change my kids lives has caused me to stop always being tough and just once trust in god and humanity ....I hope this isn't another confirmation of why I'll never be like everyone else . For my kids I'm willing to take the pain....just please change my thought and know if any of you ever need me I am here ....just ask ...thank jodi ....hugs

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