Sitting here watching the minutes tick by. It’s almost that day. That day I dread the most. I can’t believe you will be gone 8 years tomorrow. September 9, 2009. I feel like it was just yesterday I was holding you as you took your last breath and your heart beat under my palm for the last time. I honestly was in denial that you were gone. That it was over. That there was no more fighting to do. I couldn’t understand that. The next morning, reality hit me like no other. My mind had shut down. My body was limp and weak and the crying came in waves about every 30 min or so like clockwork. I knew you were very very ill but it never crossed my mind that you would die. The lump in my throat is growing and I can’t see through my glasses. Eight years ago tomorrow, I begged and pleaded to God to leave you here with me so that I could take care of you for the rest of your life no matter what I had to give up and no matter how hard I had to fight for you…for the rest of your life!. You weren’t supposed to die before me.You weren’t supposed to experience such agonizing pain and tourture just trying to stay alive. You weren’t supposed to live the rest of your already limited life in a hospital room. You were only a baby. Such a cruel, unforgiving disease. They told me it was worse than a cancer diagnosis. I say the look on Dr. Jones’ face but only now do I see the worry that was in her eyes. You were angelic. You had the softest blonde hair and the most crystal, bright blue eyes! People would stop me and tell me how gorgeous you were. They would also say that you looked nothing like me. LOL. You just weren’t given the time to develop the characteristics you would share with Mommy. My love will always be with you.
It’s been 8 years since I first placed an old table and chair in your perfectly decorated room, and sat down to work on what would be your legacy. There was a comfort to be in there while I was trying to venture into unknown territory and force myself to create a video of your journey. As you know, that video took hours and hours to create during those late nights and early mornings. I had to complete it for you. You were brave enough to endure all of that Hell, you deserved to tell your story.
It’s been 8 years and I think I’m doing okay, Liam. I know you see some days that get Mommy but the signs you give me just at the right times, help in more ways than I can explain to you. Life is definitely different than I ever imagined it would be. Grief… a pain too great to be quantified. So many unknowns. What if you were diagnosed sooner? What if I told the doctors in the PICU to wait until your daddy was there before trying to start the dialysis process? I knew you were very ill…but I never thought you would die. You were here for so many reasons and I plan on continuing your fight the best I can as long as you continue to guide me. You’ve gotten me this far, so I can’t imagine that will be anytime soon… but I await signs. I am blessed beyond belief to be a mother again to not only one but two healthy and amazing children. I know you saw the passion that filled my heart to be a mother and I know that you filled it for me again. Thank you for Callan and Finn. There simply are no words to express how grateful and blessed I am.
It’s not only the month Liam became an angel. It’s Histiocytosis Awareness Month. I struggle asking others for money. I know how hard we all work for the money we earn to survive and take care of our families. I know that not everyone can donate all the time. I can’t even do that. But what I am hoping for is that some of you out there can help me get through this day by remembering Liam. My goal is to raise $999 in his memory. I chose this amount for obvious reasons. For me, it’s not about the money time. It’s about remembering Liam. I am asking for a very small donation. Each time I get a $10.00 donation, I will know that Liam had an impact on that person and he is being remembered. Anyone who has wanted to donate to our 5K or the golf tournament but couldn’t, this is such a great opportunity to help a grieving mamma celebrate the life of her child. Please share. Thank you so much for listening and for opening your heart.