There No Help for Gay Men Trying To Escape Domestic Abuse!?
Organized by: Jason Cannot Give
My Name is Jason (not my real name sorry) I am living in Ontario, Canada and am trying to escape an abusive relationship... I cannot be more specific then that as I do not want, for obvious reasons this campaign being discovered by my partner, someone who may recognize me or my partner, I know the web is a big place but I fear the consequences if I am discovered... Even as I sit here in a dark corner of an internet cafe typing this so that I have no record of it on my personal computer I am having a panic attack... They voices are telling me to close this page clear the browser history and leave. Go Home back (my home City) and get out of (The City I am in now) cause (your) going to get caught... he's gonna want to know where you have been and what you have been doing! Every instinct I have is telling to me run right now... Because I am a Gay Man there are no resources for Same Gender Domestic Violence victims... Well almost none we have some access to counseling... There are absolutely no resources for those of us trying to escape abuse... there a no men's shelters that are similar to shelters for women and families who are escaping or survivors of domestic abuse. If men are trying to escape and have to use a shelter we have to go to a homeless or transitional housing shelter for men. These shelters are NOT safe places, especially for men who identify as Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Gender Queer or Gender Non-Conforming, Bashing and assaults are a very real danger to GBTQ men in these places. I have experienced it first hand when I found myself in the local men's homeless shelter after trying to leave once and was verbally assaulted, threatened with violence and death, had weapons pulled on me, pushed punched and even threatened with sexual assault... I spent 3 weeks in the shelter and was physically assaulted 3 times... The staff did nothing to help as they could not do anything about it or if we did not witness it did not happen... The shelters here in my area are also run by The Salvation Army... who on the surface claim that they are LGBT inclusive but 2 years ago had an internal memo sent out that was leaked to Queerity.com https://goo.gl/jFJFgv. I ended up going back to him because it was better to be abused by someone I know that I am 99% sure would not kill me... When I returned things got better... At first... He was relieved to have me home and saw his error and promised to to be better... and he was for over a year he WAS a different person. There was no Pushing or hitting, he was respectful of my sexual boundaries. Things changed and went back to the old status Quo after that… This was a major issue as well I will not go into details but our relationship as a BDSM relationship. When I started dating him I was aware of this and was new the BDSM community and did not know the 'protocols' and he took advantage of this defining my role as a SLAVE and his as MASTER where he controlled all aspects of my life from the type of phone I could use the service that I had for it to the Job I could hold what I had to earn, what my domestic duties where (Everything... Cooking Cleaning Pet Care If he has to raise a finger to help I am punished) to my friends, when I could see them, when I could visit my family, to my sexual role what I had to provide in the bedroom I could not object to doing stuff including when others where brought into the relationship and what was done to me... IE allowing other men to use me while he watched... I will end there with the bedroom as it upsets me to be living it more than it does you to read it. I also Suffer (yes I use the term suffer) from Mental and physical Health issues such as Borderline Personality Disorder, General and Public Anxiety, Depression and Delusions (Voices as hinted at earlier) and have been in Mental Health Wards in Hospitals under what is called a form 1 (72 Hour Hold for suicidal or self-harm tendencies), 4 times in the past over 2 years, this was of course several years ago... I am no longer allowed to visit the hospital when I become triggered, because he thinks that I will tell on him, because I usually am triggered by his rage and his blocking me from leaving to get away from him until he calms down because I know what comes next... I have tried to contact several domestic abuse victims services in Ontario and they all say the same thing "we can't help there are no services for men let alone specific services for GBTQ men" I finally found group for men dealing with domestic abuse but it only meets twice a year. After months of secret research into what I can do and where I can go I found The Easton Alliance for the Prevention of Family Violence the ONLY organization that exists in Canada to aid Male victims of Domestic abuse... imagine my disappointment when I clicked the link to find it was a Geocities website... most of you know that Geocities has not existed for more than a decade... the website I got it from has not cleaned up its links in years... when I googled the group I came across archived articles from 1998 when Easton Alliance was founded but nothing recent from what I can tell Easton Alliance was defunded and closed in the early 2000's... There are plenty of shelters out there for abused or homeless LGBTTQQI+ youth but nothing for those of us that are over 30 years old... I even tried calling some of these shelters to find out if they have any information and resources that they could direct me too... No luck all their resources are for youth only! I have tried contacting groups like Assaulted Women's Helpline and other Women's resources to see if they had any resources for men... Nope in fact several were offended that I called to ask for help as a man and some even implied that men cannot be victims. I have tried calling Rape and Sexual assault lines for help as well when I am forced in to consenting to stuff that I do not want to consent to and again there are no resources for male rape victims out there and I still get the jokes (not from the resources) that men can't be raped as we are horny all the time and lucky when we get (unwanted) attention. I get told to call the police but police still treat male and especially Gay Male sexual assault, even though there is policies in place, as a joke cause again all we want is sex all the time... With no resources out there either shelters or financial support... I find that I cannot leave as it is not simply as easy as packing a few things and going to the shelter as I found out... To leave fully I would need to start over that means getting away from him not by leaving and moving to a new neighbourhood but by moving AWAY out of the region and several 100 KMs or even moving provinces though I don't know if I can do that even with the amount that I am trying raise... It would mean starting over from scrap... Since I can't take anything with me but perhaps some clothes a few of my favorite movies and CD's that are out of print I will have to leave with only my memories. This means that I since right now have no savings and no job at the present cause my Halloween seasonal position ends this week and I only made less then $100 a week there any way because I only was working 1 shift a week plus my money goes to him anyway and I am given spending money when I need it. I cannot even look for a new place as I don't have the basics funds to pay first and last on a new apartment because I can't give notice to my landlord that I am leaving and use do what everyone does hen moving, cause it will get back to my partner as his name is also on the lease and he pays the rent anyway... I will have to purchase a new bed and furniture... most likely not new but used from value village and a wardrobe because I won't be able to take much... I will have to get my utilities because many places are no longer fully utilities inclusive in rent which means deposits for everything from Hydro and water to Internet and Phone as well as connection fees... I am starting this campaign now as I cannot do this anymore I cannot continue to live like this and need help… I truly believe that If I do not escape now… within a year I will not be around… I do not believe that It will be by his hand, cause he loves the idea of owning me too much, but my hand I have several times over the past year tried to overdoes on my Psych medications that I take and have failed I was never admitted to hospital for these cause he would not allow it I had to work off the overdose at home luckily (or Not) I was never able to complete my plans and survived by being forced into vomiting… I to this day have no Idea how I am alive. Now my medications are controlled by him and he locks them away and only gives me my doses and watches me to make sure I take them (like you see Doctors and Nurses do in movies). Right now I am too cowardly to try by another method but that fear gets less and less by the day and perhaps one day while cutting myself I might decide to cut a little deeper and in the right place to escape….