To publish LYSBISR Help homeless women in Colorado
Organized by: Sarah Miller
L.Y.S.B.I.S.R. = Love You So Bad I Said Remember...what started off as a reminder to my souls conpanion to REMEMBER always that she is loved and she matrers... I intend to say to the world. Starting with Colorado. Loosing Dawn was the most devestating event in my life thus far that this heart has had to endure .. everything in me wanted to curl up and hide... I was ready to completely give up. Not only did I loose my lover I lost my best friend.. my most trusted companion. Never before had I felt so lost and utterly alone on this planet. The idea of moving forward in the world with out her breathing beside me was not one I was interested in entertaining. Giving up is not now and has never been an option in my life. Dawn may not physically be beside me but I know I carry the love we shared stronger then ever in my heart. That love gives power to my pulse and pushes me to keep moving. L.Y.S.B.I.S.R is a raw, and gritty collection of sketches, photographs, poetry, and love letters that tell the story of finding rare friendships in strange places ,addiction and all the amazing people the needle has cost this earth, falling in love , betrayal, heartbreak, family, murder, withdrawal and the cops that beat me sencless after an hour long chase that landed me in the Klink.. This collection will explain how I found freedom while incarcerated, found love in recovery and gave up nearly 7 years of clean time because I belived I could walk back into hell and carry my soul mate out ... She took her last breath on October 11, 2014...truth is.. it nearly killed us both. We would have been married on January 1, 2015 in New York, New York...Central Park to be exact. I couldn't even attend her funeral .. Instead I sat in jail in Adams County Colorado a.k.a the 7th circle of hell. .with a bond that was less then most of my shoes cost.. come to find out it was best I didn't go... What most people didn't know is I cried my eyes out the very first time I saw her with a syringe... That I begged her not to open that door and exhausthed myself in an attempt to express the demons that we welcome in when we esclate our addiction in such a way . People always say addiction is addiction is addiction.. and I agree to an extent... Still from personal experience and a long hard road littered w loss and heartache introducing the needle introduces a whole new world of pain and suffering. We were each others whole world's. Inseparable! Head over heels in love! None of us saw this coming.. We both came from honest hard working loving families and grew up in nice homes. I know her family had their hands full and her passing was an unexpected blow to all who loved her.. I only wish I could had been more involved, or involved at all. And I can only imagine the heartbreak they must have been and still today are going through. Had Dawn wanted to live a different lifestyle without drugs she would have been welcomed into her family's home with open arms. Further had Dawn wanted to live a different life I would have gladly laid down the weapons and tools of that world to rebuild our life in the light. Unfortunately that was not a choice she was ready to make.. and knowing the deamons that dwell where the needle slides in I was hell bent on keeping her safe... Guess I failed miserably in that department. I would have happily givin my own life to save hers... Offered up my own pulse to keep her heart in rythem. Two winters ago we nearly froze to death trying to stay warm sleeping in apartment Lobbys and holding our dogs (Naboo & Lyric) inside of our jackets to keep them warm. When the dectivies came to question me at the jail and informed me she had passed away I already knew. I knew the exact moment... And many may never believe this... But I was well aware the instant she left this life .... Because at that exact moment ..my own heart shattered onto thousands of pieces. I knew Dawn had gone from us because I felt my heart break . I felt completely hollow... As though someone had carved out my insides... I saw us growing old along side one another... Her perfect hands were most cirtenly designed to fit in my own. Home... It just wasn't the same with out the light our love created.. it wasn't our home. I saw us laughing with our eyes dressed in wrinkles and our hair long and gray. ... On the porch of the house we built with our own hands... I would strum my guitar and sing the 97th love song I'd just written for her . Everything became surreal.... My mind and my heart knew she was gone... But I couldn't accept that to be reality.. I couldn't leave our house. When I was released from Adams I shook those bricks to hurry back to the home we fought tooth and nail to call our own. We were wild and completely open with one another... I was more in love with her then ever. More attracted and enammered by her beauty and her gorgeous smile. God that smile.... The only smile I've ever been so blessed to have shine upon me .. that could light up the darkest parts of my soul.... Of my everything. We had no secrets and we traveled hand and hand without shame. It was 2007 the first time I signed my letter to Dawn with the letters L.Y.S.B.I.S.R . It stands for Love you so bad I said remember..... It's pretty much the most sincere most meaningful most important group of letters you can say to anyone... It holds more meaning then any other string of words or initials in existance . Aside from the three amazing children Dawn left behind I have never written it to anyone. That was our deal... Only to the kids. I never got to burry my wife or kiss her goodbye. I would fall asleep in my cell each night and whisper the letters L.Y.S.B.I.S R right before sleep took me to her with tears in my eyes. Dawn and I had made all sorts of plans once we hustled our way into a home of our own. Firstly somebody needs to address the gross lack of resources for homeless women in Denver Colorado. We had years prior owned and operated a backpackers hostel and had been quite successful. We could use a similar business model but gear our establishment toward Denver's homeless women opening a non profit to be called The Skinny Pocket Inn. So let this be the first promise I break to my beautiful partner.. I plan to say L.Y.S.B.I.S.R. to the world... I plan to share our story with all who will listen and all proceeds in excess of publishing costs will go to fund The Skinny Pocket Inn a homeless shelter in Colorado for women in need. Reciently I purchased 5 acres of land in Park County Colorado. I have been doing tons of research on green living and building materials. I strongly feel that storage container housing is the way to go. We could significantly save on building costs and focus funding on more resources for the women we shelter. The storage container housing in combination with solar power and possibly collecting rainwater as a back up reserve. We could really build a beautiful self maintaining community for women to get back on thier feet and focus on the issues in thier lives that landed them where they are as to break the cycle of hopelessness. What better way to honor my best friend then to share our story and the hope we were filled with after we were handed keys to our very own space in the world. What better way to every day say I love you then to share L.Y.S.B.I.S.R with the world. If you have any resources or suggestions I would be thrilled and encouraged to receive them. Maybe I am foolish.. Though I honestly feel as though this path was laid out for me by a higher power. In the midst of the most terrible season of grief my life has ever tasted I found a purpose and passion that helps me move my feet. An amazing gift has been givin to me in my venture to keep the dreams Dawn & I shared alive... It's difficult to explain but somehow I've never felt closer to her then I do right now.. she will live in my heart forever and we will make this dream a reality!