VERY LONG. BUT I SHARED MY WHOLE SOUL, IN AN ATTEMPT TO PROTECT MY SOBRIETY. Hello, my name is Courtney and I'm an addict. ( LEADING UP TO MY PRESENT DAY HELL. ) My profound lack of a solution has led me here, to plead for mercy from strangers for my daughter, family, my two most loyal, best most lifesaving friends Sophie & Mu ( My little beagle & my 100+ lb Hippie Pitbull. Without them, I authentically and unapologetically can share TODAY that I would of been another sadistic death statistic related to heroin addiction here in the Mid-Ohio Valley. Those dogs became my purpose to endure, yes and suffer, yes. But, to forfeit my worsening unrelenting belief that suicide was the only option & that it would be such a service to my loved ones, suvh a weight lifted. Abandoning the plan, I did that. But, the thoughts? The beliefs? They've never went too far out of my mind, which is why im allowing myself to take the advice from someone who truly wouldn't of wasted her time, or invested emotionally with helping me to carry as much of my baggage as she could over the years, despite her being 700 miles away, which her love for my daughter & I has been a blessing to my existence. For that? I am following her guidance and following her faith that, "The truth shall set," me "free." She last said regarding this. When so frequently, people in my life chose to disturb my mind, my heart and recklessly alter my entire journey from adolescent life, continuing into present day, at 31 years old with this disgust for myself, that has manifested into my making destructive, phenomenally disturbing decisions that after marinating several years, crushed with the weight of abuses, horrific luck, perpetually experiencing worsening blows to my STABILITY, mentally and otherwise - and ultimately there came an over abundance of damage after having my own daughter which caused me to recognize the gross negligence from many adult people, who could have helped protect and preserve my chance at becoming a woman much different than what I am today. But, instead here I am today, 31 - being "raised," FINALLY, but I have a incredibly supportive 10 year old daughter, Gabi - thats life has been regrettably damaged as a direct result of my lack of knowing any authentic COPING, mental or life skills, my having a belief in my mental diagnosises being something to be ashamed of, and hide. I fought the "diagnonsenses," ( as I called them. ) never wanting to accept even more flaws, that only contributed to my sabotaging myself, never believing I deserved any different. I'm from Massachusetts, and got kicked out around 16 years old, to West Virginia. Here, I continued to experience as many different head changes ( i.e. - getting "high," altered state of mind. ) Realizing, it silenced my distractingly LOUD truth, of my mental health issues, being something legitimate and silencing the "issues," and drugs became my treatment plan, and it helped me really to believe I WASN'T that girl, with that history, with that damage - with THOSE diagnosises. On drugs, I mostly liked myself, or appeared to. Socializing sober, wasn't something I often did, because for several years, I was just "partying." Until, heroin. ( PRESENT DAY, HOPELESSLY DOOMED .) Had my kid, and was an every day Mom Almost 7 years. No family to help me to keep a roof over my head, a scary reality that resulted as a direct consequence of a truly disruptive mother-daughter fight and ultimately, exposed me to such a different drug world than what I'd known up to that point. Heroin? "I'd never put a needle in my arm," - I'd say. But looking back, I also never thought I'd do heroin, or take risking my life as far as I have. I have essentially studied my journey, journaling and blogging since elementary school - believing my life story absolutely would get concluded as a SUCCESS STORY - that I would be so proud to tell my story, LOUD and CONFIDENTLY.... lessons learned, applied & a harnessed health & happiness that I always believed was just a little out of reach, but I religiously BELIEVED I would get there and each time I would take an attempt on my life, or each time my contagiously destructive disregard for my injesting excessive amounts of drugs would cause my overdoses in combination with a string of paralyzing life experiences that embedded within me, the several mental health diagnosises I've been handed the last decade. Some peoples drug issues, cause the mental issues they have. With me, a few doctors collectively believe my mental issues, created my drug issues - essentially, putting me in therapy as a child definitely wasn't even considered, even tho, looking back - just one person deciding to protect me from the unavoidable hell and mental anguish that my rollercoaster with medication, behavioral health trips, all types of abusively unjust & harmful hits my life has taken, the going to treatments, nut wards, my failed marriage, my lack of any unconditional and present SUPPORT, the hateful judgement and the unimaginably cruel parts people have played in my story, failing my daughter ( who said "you're only a failure if you quit trying, mommy. "- the damages of My 19 year drug experimentation that sparked the sabotage of my soul, and ultimately ALL OF THAT, the cause and effect, the outcome? DESPITE being left for dead, during the worst, most difficult time of my life, withdrawing from a heavyweight use of heroin, being cut with a tranquilizer 10,000 more potent than morphine. A year ago this month I was on top of the world, I was healthy, happy, into yoga, fitness and TRX, I wasn't a good mom damn it I was a GREAT MOM... After all those years, now, with 3 years of I.V. drug use under my belt, id found a cocktail of meds and life style changes that brought me to a place I once BELIEVED to be a myth, I was happy. I saw the light. Someone related to my daughter, unsure EXACTLY what Happened, but they decided to steal my medication, influencing the breech in the contract I'd signed that allowed me one of the major key meds that assisted me in becoming someone who authentically loved herself - for the first time, ever. At 30. They decided to deter me from regaining my position with my kid and in life and it is and my experiences allow me to justify my regarding that theft as the most cold blooded rape of my life, diminishing all willingness to believe there ever being a light at the end of this tunnel, becoming allergic to sustaining, becoming disenchanted and more severely disturbed by my heavyweight heroin habit that resulted in several different attempts to end my life - WHICH EACH TIME I WOKE UP, ALIVE - despite my best, most unsettling attempts - I realized maybe it's because there really is a PLAN for me. Maybe the people from my website and Facebook are onto something, maybe I am designed to survive this and heal those that I can sympathize with, due to my own experiences - knowing going at them alone, is scary and not something I would ever suggest. My older brother is currently at hospice, he's dying of cancer - at 33. I in WV. He's in Florida. I have no family here. I am about to lose my house. Selling everything I own to at least get something helpful from the loss, opposed to the bank taking and trashing everything. I went to treatment the end of May. I went to see my brother the first week of June. I. Currently without any available help with my house, or the sale, minimally eating, I am always alone which isn't healthy for an addict in recovery, no transportation and no running water, which makes me seek someone to ALLOW me to shower at their house, which sadly, has greatly limited my hygiene. My family is so far away, not knowing how dangerously close I am to falling backwards from this overwhelming and debilitating stress of having no chance or way, or hope of uncovering a way out of my eventual unraveling, back to where I began. I just want a chance. I have seeked my same medical plan and medications through places in Florida and they have a substantially Large addict in RECOVERY community and resources all over the place, unlike here. HAVING no Friends or FAMILY as my SUPPORT network, that are around my life or local - is a factor that nearly doomed me from the start, but meetings and forming my new Florida plan, helped me move forward - I began accepting my getting on my feet and taking part in another line of helpful treatment somewhere that my SUPPORT network is heavily populate by family. When combining the clean slate, the family support and my medication and treatment plan WITH my REGULAR continued inspiration being supplied by 2 things, the love of my dogs and the uncanny, absolute necessity within my soul to mend and rebuild what my addictions and decisions have caused my own daughter. I've been very honest with her and she is a phenomenal kid, she doesn't deserve any of this. I fear my expiration will ultimately occur, as the last of my little stability dismantles. I fear she will never know that this time I finally reached an understanding of the lifestyle changes that are now REQUIRED to protect me in my recovery and in my future. The knowledge of my planning to complete "The 12 Steps," and learn how to live, from people who have clean time under their belts that has inspired me to BE TEACHABLE by them. Accepting I know absolutely nothing on how to live, feel or treat myself - and knowing by following the direction of such a great and supportive Nationwide group of people like me, who have showed me just how TRUTHFUL addiction being a DISEASE IS. It BEGAN as a stupid, harmful decision - that manifested into a life altering disease. Like if you have diabetes and fail to change 1, 2 & 3, you're gunna be in hot water or worse. As an addict, it's the very same. I MUST do and REQUIRE these PARTICULAR things to be included with my continued recovery OR, It's just a matter of time, before I finally succumb to the weight of that soul crushing GUILT from failing to reach the goals of healing.... healing MYSELF, so that I know how to heal my daughter and then together, we can heal anyone we are given the chance to be helpful to.... I know one thing, that happy ending won't happen here. In this haunted and evil home with some gruesome and upsetting memories happening here, where I always am, alone - unable to inspire anybody but one woman to bother assisting me with protecting my life from this impending disaster..... She I'd a saint. Her name is Tina, and if we were a raised by a Tina, there would be world Peace. She's amazing, full of grace and has helped me to sort so much of my "stuff" within me all the way out- She didn't let me die, and knew I was close - Despite my not being her responsibility and despite her Having do many responsibiles already, she has still made time to do what she can to help my continued survival.... But....she's only one person and I hate disturbing the life of someone so incredibly rare and only deserving of the greatest in life, with my dark and contagiously gloomy reality. I just don't want my brother's impending passing ( 12 days to 2 months they said one month ago, yes he's in hospice... Horrible... He's 33.. ) to directly Inspire mine too. I just want the chance to salvage my things, to get to Florida and begin my treatment plan and get my footing a bit more stable and better have "my poop in a group," additionally being seen for my mental health issues as well - and it took me MONTHS to get some one to babysit my two dogs so I could seem treatment this year... For less than 10 days.... I couldn't Inspire anybody to REGARD me as DESERVING that, no matter how good I stayed to so so many, despite how badly they treated me, with stealing from me regularly while I lay, deteriorating - using my truly scary physical state, give them the freedom to pillage through belongings and things that would of been of value to my current situation. CONSIDERING, I have no money. I have nothing, other than this future yard sale. And this attempt with getting donations. Help me reach my BLESSED plan, and for each dollar donated, I will personally GUARANTEE that I will commit to that # of meetings being numbered and attended, captured and subsequently shared online as A way to show my appreciation.... For helping me stand a chance and for helping me to be able to truly help myself.... If for anyone else, my daughter. She is doing everything amazing in the world - my biggest supporter + I NEED THIS HELP, I'm I'm desperate need of making my plan a reality because it's worked before, but was cut short by such a terrible PERSON and their selfishness. Please, I know I'll die here, if there was more hope for my situation, I wouldn't be BEGGING stranger's. Here's my websites - www.BOXMYPANDORA.com and www.facebook.com/itsboxMyPandora ( link to blog from BoxMyPandora.com - ) "What you let feed you, you also let starve you. " "A setback is Just a setup for a comeback." Help fight addiction and help recovery not relapse by generously participating in my plan that allows me the chance to keep strengthening my soul and it's all necessary for my making all of this up to my kid, the rest of my life - and for my future in the Fellowship which I know if given this help, I'll be in attendance the remainder of my life and I am absolutely great with that... Please don't tell me I am too late to see this become a reality.... Please..